


Moonshine Under Manhattan (recorded live from paradise)

by caledfwlchthat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Blackmail, Bootlegging, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Implied/Referenced Amputation, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Emotional Abuse, Implied/Referenced Substance Abuse, Multi, Organized Crime, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Polyamory Negotiations, Terepy the Movie References, Ultimate Selves (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24833422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caledfwlchthat/pseuds/caledfwlchthat
Summary: "Look around you, Pipes! If people here had nothing to wet their whistles but bathtub gin, it wouldn't be the Big Apple. More like the BigCrapple.Instead, you see people laughing, dancing, kicking up their heels, despite the best efforts of squares and killjoys such as yourself."A window on the seedy criminal underworld of Jazz Age Homestuck and even seedier relationship drama.
Relationships: Kanaya Maryam/Vriska Serket, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam/Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam/Vriska Serket, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12
Collections: Homestuck Polyswap 2020 - Derse





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liasangria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liasangria/gifts).



> Wow, what a prompt! I have, as directed, gone nuts -- as with all the best prompts, this one took me for a ride. The "Implied/Referenced" tags cover AU parallels to Homestuck canon events, which mostly serves to remind me how much the characters went through in Homestuck; but I hope the end result is not too heavy, and still entertaining!

_Transcribed from a set of wire recordings left in the Manhattan field operations office of Special Agent Theresa P. Pipes, Bureau of Prohibition._

AGENT PIPES  
December 5, 1923. 1:17 am. State your name, please.

MISS SEKRET  
Oh, come oooooooon. You know my name already.

PIPES  
For the record.

SEKRET  
The Marquise Bloomin' Mindfang.

PIPES  
Try again, smartass.

SEKRET  
Vaska Sekret.

PIPES  
That's better. The kind of better I expected from you, Vaska.

SEKRET  
Really?

PIPES  
You know. After coming back from the war.

SEKRET  
Oh, that. You're kidding me, right? Some kind of welcome they give war heroes in this town! Even a good guy less an arm and an eye would have a rough time on these streets. Never mind a gal. Can't think of any honest line of work that'd have me, or even many dishonest lines. Not much to look at these days, am I?

PIPES  
I wouldn't know. But you'd have had options. The Vet's Bureau would've looked after you.

SEKRET  
Now I know you're kidding, although it's not funny. I'm not ending up in one of those homes where they stow the ones they don't want! And they wouldn't let me in like this anyway. Nah, the Vet's Bureau can go jump in a lake.

PIPES  
You had friends. You could've called me, for Christ's sake.

SEKRET  
Listen, pal. If you're still my pal, Pipes.

PIPES  
Up to you. I'd like to be, but I sure don't have to.

SEKRET  
Just because I got rotten luck and can't catch a break doesn't mean I'm a lousy moocher. And in return for mooching, I'd have got nothing but meddling. So you can just can it already.

PIPES  
Do I look like a meddler to you, Vaska?

SEKRET  
No, you look like a career cop. In it for the long haul. You got real strong arms from pushing all those papers, I see.

PIPES  
Haven't lost your sense of humor, either, have you.

SEKRET  
I lost my sense of humor the same way you lost your sense of smell.

PIPES  
Touche.

SEKRET  
You been at war too, then? Is that why all your papers are in Braille?

PIPES  
A little accident. An occupational hazard, all in the line of duty.

SEKRET  
Duty, huh. Sounds like a raw deal to me!

PIPES  
They keep trying to retire me. Wouldn't blame you for thinking I'd taken them up on the offer. But in fact I do more field work now than I used to.

SEKRET  
Do you, just.

PIPES  
Otherwise you wouldn't be in here. Just like old times.

SEKRET  
If we're going to do this, let's get it over with. Quit wasting my damn time with your yammering. Or am I free to go, Officer Pipes?

PIPES  
Vaska, I'm trying to do you a favor. A chance to come clean. If we can cut a deal, you'll get less time, have a chance to make something of yourself.

SEKRET  
Come clean? You don't get dirtier than a rat, Officer.

PIPES  
Agent.

SEKRET  
My best friend, Officer Pipes, back at it again! It's got a nice ring to it. Anyway, nope! I'm no rat, you'll need more than cheese to catch me.

PIPES  
Vaska. We caught you red-handed. There was enough hooch in that dive to float a battleship.

SEKRET  
And that proves what? That I happened to be in the vicinity of some _al-coo-hol?_ This is New York, Officer! There's at least half a dozen speakeasies on every street corner, and those are just the ones the kids'll tell you about. It's impossible to not be found near them.

PIPES  
You were well inside it.

SEKRET  
So I bumped into you in a speakeasy! Who caaaaaaaares. We're equally guilty! You, me, and half the damn city.

PIPES  
It was an abandoned warehouse, actually.

SEKRET  
Oh, that clears it all up then! A warehouse! Is it illegal to be in warehouses now?

PIPES  
Clover was counting out the dough into your hot little hands.

SEKRET  
Clover's a friend! I spotted him a few bucks last week and he was just paying me back!

PIPES  
Friends don't usually have muscle pointing tommy guns at friends, do they?

SEKRET  
Well, they certainly aren't your friends.

PIPES  
Judging by the lead they were pumping our way, I'd have to agree.

SEKRET  
Their way of saying hello.

PIPES  
I don't think we speak the same language.

SEKRET  
Shame you don't get along. Not my problem, though!

PIPES  
We got your business partners too, Vaska.

SEKRET  
What business partners?

PIPES  
The flighty broad and the hysterical dame.

SEKRET  
Doesn't ring a bell. Could be anyone.

PIPES  
Your voice says otherwise.

SEKRET  
The half that wasn't smoked out, you mean?

PIPES  
Quit stalling, Vaska. We raided your hideout while you were running your errands.

SEKRET  
What _hideout,_ Officer Hypes, ma'am.

PIPES  
We staked you out and tailed you, Vaska, the old fashioned way. We got your entire stash of hot sauce too.

SEKRET  
Hot sauce is legitimate business, I'll have you know.

PIPES  
I'm not talking the habanero kind. I'm talking liberated giggle juice. Ringing any bells yet?

SEKRET  
I ain't saying another word till my lawyer gets here.

PIPES  
Vaska. You were leaving _a literal trail of fairy dust_ behind you. A one-eyed schnauzer with a cold could have followed you.

SEKRET  
Lawyer.

PIPES  
From your suppliers to your hideout. From your hideout to the Felt's.

SEKRET  
Laaaaaaaaw-yeeeeeeeer!

PIPES  
I am your lawyer.

SEKRET  
You're a stinking cop and you can't make me spill a drop.

PIPES  
...

SEKRET  
...

PIPES  
Fine. You know what? Fine. Forget it. Get outta here.

SEKRET  
What? For real?

PIPES  
Yeah, no further questions. Make like a banana and split. I don't know what I was thinking. There's no way you could've done all that.

SEKRET  
Done what, exactly.

PIPES  
Gotten _all that candy corn_ from the waterfront to Brooklyn to those dumps by yourself, without getting caught. Or robbed. Or shot, honestly.

SEKRET  
What? Hey, I --

PIPES  
I mean, just get a whiff of yourself. It's beyond your capabilities. Even if you still had the arm and the eye.

SEKRET  
Now hold on, Officer Tripe --

PIPES  
No, you're just wasting my damn time now.

SEKRET  
I --

PIPES  
You can pick up your effects out front. Smell you later, Vaska.

_The slam of a fist on the table._

SEKRET  
_Fuck_ that, Tera P., and fuck _you,_ and the patronizing detective pony you rode in on. I cannot _believe_ that as long as we've known each other, you'd ever think me incapable of anything, much less a little smuggling job.

PIPES  
Stop messing with the lights, Vaska.

SEKRET  
How can you _tell._ What I'm _doing._ With the fucking lights. You're _blind._ Remember?

PIPES  
I can smell the smoke and ozone coming from the fixture, hear the sizzle of sparks. You're going to start a fire in here if you're not careful.

SEKRET  
You'd deserve it. Bitch.

PIPES  
Watch your fat mouth.

SEKRET  
We're not in church. You a Christian all of a sudden, Pipes?

PIPES  
Hardly.

SEKRET  
No way I could've done it, you say. And you're not wrong, in a sense, because I didn't supply those leprechauns with bupkiss. But you think they call me Vaska the Circuit because I chase my own tail around and around?

PIPES  
Wasn't aware that's what you were going by these days.

SEKRET  
Not _aware?!_ Are you even doing your job, Pipes? Are you asleep at the wheel? Take one nap too many on that desk of yours?

PIPES  
Much as I'd love a little shut-eye, I'm doing three of my jobs at least these days, no thanks to these bootleggers.

SEKRET  
No thanks to me! To meeeeeeee. I'm personally responsible for ensuring safe passage of at least half of all the product out of Toronto. Is that something just any slouch could manage?

PIPES  
Sweet Jegus. I mean, Jesus.

SEKRET  
That's not all. Barley and corn are cheap. Any chump could get you those. But for fine spirits from Europe, I'm the only game in town. You want cognac? Ouzo? Slivovitz? You come to me. 

PIPES  
Naturally. Where else.

SEKRET  
I can get you _absinthe,_ baby. Absinthe! In the year of our Lord nineteen-twenty-three!

PIPES  
Now you're the one who's got to be kidding me. That witches' brew was banned even before the Volstead Act.

SEKRET  
Well, I don't keep it in my sylladex, that's for damn sure.

PIPES  
I'm going to remain skeptical for now. My squad has mostly been after the bulk shipments from just over the border. But if you aren't pulling my leg, this could be the biggest bust since we started.

SEKRET  
It sure could!

PIPES  
Perfect. All we need to get started are some names and addresses.

SEKRET  
Nope!

PIPES  
...

SEKRET  
...

PIPES  
Vaska? Are you serious or not?

SEKRET  
I told you, I'm not a rat. You want to put me away, that's fine, I'll go proudly. It's a better living than being a mooch, or some two-bit rotgut-runner like you seemed to think I was. Or just lying down and taking your condescension. But I'm not gonna snitch on my suppliers, or my customers.

PIPES  
I'm not asking about them. I'm asking about your business partners. Your accomplices. Your enablers, if you will.

SEKRET  
If you've already got them, you don't need me to tell you anything else.

PIPES  
The rest of them, Vaska. The mob contacts. Or else why should I believe you?

SEKRET  
Look around you, Pipes! If people here had nothing to wet their whistles but bathtub gin, it wouldn't be the Big Apple. More like the Big _Crapple._ Instead, you see people laughing, dancing, kicking up their heels, despite the best efforts of squares and killjoys such as yourself.

PIPES  
It's not only against the law, Vaska, it's a danger to society.

SEKRET  
What's society, then, if not a little dangerous?

PIPES  
Vaska -- 

SEKRET  
You want names and dates? I can guarantee you every speakeasy you've raided this year has been pouring something I brought 'em. Herald Square? 46th Street? Ninth Avenue? The cats in the big drainage pipe near Pier 40 on the Hudson what were causing a terrible nuisance?

PIPES  
How the hell do you know about all those?!

SEKRET  
Most of them I just read the papers, for Pete's sake. But the last one, I know people who know people, _and I'm not telling you who they are._

PIPES  
But you --

SEKRET  
Orange Street? Bleecker Street at Perry Street?

PIPES  
Bleecker Street?

SEKRET  
Yeah!

PIPES  
That was... god, Vaska. Don't yank my chain about Bleecker Street.

SEKRET  
I was a regular there.

PIPES  
Bleecker and Perry was the worst shootout we've had with the Midnight Crew since I joined the Bureau.

SEKRET  
Yeah, I know. I know all too much about that.

PIPES  
But how --

SEKRET  
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Especially when your friends, such as they are, aren't terribly close.

PIPES  
Enemies?

SEKRET  
Slick kept trying to muscle in on my market. Thought I'd teach him a lesson. So I blew up his still.

PIPES  
Seventeen innocent people died in the panic and fire, Vaska.

SEKRET  
Maybe, but who could possibly be that innocent?

PIPES  
Little Tavros Nitramides. The Greek kid. You know. The one who "accidentally" fell from a third-story window and never walked again?

SEKRET  
Why are you bringing Tavros up now?!

PIPES  
He's dead, Vaska.

SEKRET  
Oh?

PIPES  
He died. In the fire at Bleecker and Perry.

SEKRET  
Huh.

PIPES  
The one you just said you started.

SEKRET  
Well, that's what he gets for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

PIPES  
Vaska, _you're better than this._ You always were. You always had too much fun playing the robber. But it was supposed to be _playing._ Nobody expected you to actually become the robber.

SEKRET  
Yes, you did! You all did. How was a kid like me ever supposed to pull herself up in the world but by her rotten bootstraps? How else was I supposed to compete with weak tea and Cicero and Columbia Law School? You weren't always like this either!

PIPES  
Don't make this about me, Vaska. Do not do it.

SEKRET  
You know what else? I've been fucking with you the whole time.

PIPES  
Surprising nobody, least of all myself.

SEKRET  
I never joined the army. That was just to get you all out of my hair. First they thought I was underage, then they found out I was a girl. Little did they know I was an _underage girl._ No army for me. But I couldn't go back home to that spider woman!

PIPES  
Nobody asked you to --

SEKRET  
So I found other paths. Worked with Spades Slick for a while. He could've made good money but he had no head for business. It was always all about the stabbing for him. Stab, stab, stab. How petty can you get! But you know all that already. So before long I went over to the competition.

PIPES  
The Felt, you mean?

SEKRET  
They're not the only game in town. Not even the best one. Just the one with the most guns. And clocks. Also, how many times I gotta tell you I'm not a rat.

PIPES  
Then... your eye and arm?

SEKRET  
Lost 'em to Slick's still, when I couldn't get out in time. Because your people were blocking the exit.

PIPES  
I -- oh God, Vaska, I --

SEKRET  
_I'm holding you responsible for that one, Pipes._

PIPES  
Wait, what are you talking about?! _You blew the place up!_

SEKRET  
Oh, sure, try to pin that one on me, why don't you.

PIPES  
Okay, _we're done here._ I've already got enough to toss you in the oubliette for however long it takes me to forget about you, but none of it is what I came here to get. Next time you think you want to talk to a good cop, my office is down the hall. Let's see what a bad cop can get out of you.

SEKRET  
You won't forget, Pipes. In fact, I think you'll miss me.

PIPES  
Wouldn't bet on that.

SEKRET  
I've never lost a bet.


	2. Chapter 2

AGENT PIPES  
December 6, 1923. 1:43 am. State your name, please.

MISS MARHEM  
Kanyan Marhem, ma'am.

PIPES  
Canyon... Marm? At least your last name makes sense, as prim and proper as you sound. Spell it, please?

MARHEM  
M-A-R-H-E-M.

PIPES  
That Turkish or something?

MARHEM  
It's Persian, ma'am.

PIPES  
Well, Miss Marm, we're all Americans to each other. I'm Special Agent Tera Pipes, Bureau of Prohibition. Do you know why you're here tonight?

MARHEM  
I have some idea, yes.

PIPES  
Let's recap. Our esteemed colleagues of the New York Metropolitan Police had a little dust-up with some hoods over in the Meatpacking District round about midnight. Behind the scenes, outside and beyond the gunfire, they heard a racket that would have woken people up in Staten Island. It sounded for all the world like someone had fired up one of the abattoirs. And running, as some of them did, towards the sound, who should they find at 13th Street and Hudson, pale as Death's favorite horse under the lamplight, so they say, but our old friend Spades Slick, shocked out of his wits, trying not to bleed out due to the fact that his _arm was hacked clean off,_ and yourself, shaking like a leaf and clutching a tube of green lipstick that seemed to have Slick's blood all over it.

MARHEM  
That, yes, that seems about right.

PIPES  
Care to either contest or explain any of those facts, Miss Marm?

MARHEM  
I... don't really remember when, or how, I got there. I was a little distracted.

PIPES  
Anyone get a picture of you being distracted?

MARHEM  
No, ma'am.

PIPES  
Thought I'd ask. And the lipstick?

MARHEM  
Was green, yes.

PIPES  
So, ordinarily this would be in the Met's jurisdiction. But since I'm already aware of Slick, and since he and the other participants in the dust-up are organized criminals known to traffic in particular flavors of contraband, I've pulled rank on this one.

MARHEM  
I see.

PIPES  
We brought Slick in. Didn't need to rough him up anymore, he was mad as hell but not in shape to stab us with that tourniquet and all. Slick told us you charged at him and sliced his arm off. With what, I asked. With, he doesn't even know what, he says. Heavy machinery. Swears up and down on a stack of Bibles that you had some kind of gasoline-powered saw, on your person.

MARHEM  
Good heavens.

PIPES  
Now, I don't really believe Slick but I don't _not_ believe him. Even he must know it's ridiculous to make up a story like this. And he's got no left arm anymore, sure enough. On the other hand, there was no weapon at the scene, I've never even heard of any kind of weapon like what he describes, and I hope you'll pardon me for saying so but you seem a little delicate to swing something that big.

MARHEM  
Far be it from me to dissuade you from that opinion.

PIPES  
And it's all got me wondering what a nice girl like you is doing mixed up with Spades Slick. It doesn't make any sense. More to it than meets the eye, you might say. Not that my eyes are meeting any of it, strictly speaking.

MARHEM  
I'm sorry?

PIPES  
Don't be. I might be blind but I don't consider it a pitiful condition.

MARHEM  
Oh, no, I was merely wondering what you meant by that comment. I can't see your eyes very well behind those tinted glasses.

PIPES  
Ah. Well then.

MARHEM  
Well, um. Is a single telephone call too much to hope for?

PIPES  
You can have one. Want to call your lawyer? Or Vaska the Circuit?

MARHEM  
No! I mean, neither. Just a... friend. Who might worry about me, not coming home at this time of the morning.

PIPES  
A roommate, eh?

MARHEM  
That's right.

PIPES  
Short, buxom blonde, bob cut with bangs, lilac dress to match her eyes?

MARHEM  
Um.

PIPES  
If that's her, I don't think she'll be taking your call. We've got her too and will be taking your statements separately so you can't compare notes.

MARHEM  
Oh.

PIPES  
She's a looker though, isn't she? So to speak.

MARHEM  
Haha, ummm. Maybe?

PIPES  
You think so, do you? I detect one hell of a blush there, miss.

MARHEM  
Well, she's. Um. Am I likely to incriminate myself by elaborating further?

PIPES  
That depends on what you say, doesn't it? But to answer the question you think you're asking, I don't really care what you two get up to behind closed doors. Unless it involves alcohol.

MARHEM  
You're not going to report us to the authorities, then?

PIPES  
For what, prostitution?

MARHEM  
No, of course not!

PIPES  
Okay then. You've made me real curious now though.

MARHEM  
Why do you have Roz in custody? Isn't it me you want?

PIPES  
Oh, I think I want all three of you. You're obviously involved with both Roz and Vaska, and those two are clearly up to their eyeballs in the production and very profitable sale of illicit substances. And you're also involved with Spades Slick somehow, who's known to us as an organized crime element with pretensions of climbing onto the illicit substances bandwagon himself.

MARHEM  
You didn't really answer my question.

PIPES  
You know I'm supposed to be asking the questions here, but I'll humor you. We were keeping an eye on Slick, whose people brought our attention to your hideout by casing it for what I assumed would be some kind of raid. So of course, we felt duty bound to raid you first. We didn't see any obvious shipments go in and out, but we did see you and Vaska leave on foot round about 10:30, and from around the corner we saw Slick immediately follow suit. So of course we had to see where all three of you were going, in case that gave us new leads. I sent a fella who's quick on the draw to tail Slick and report back to me, and stayed behind myself with a few men to take care of the place personally.

MARHEM  
"Take care of"...?

PIPES  
Between you and me, I'd rather have been at the gunfight, but detecting cleverly hidden contraband requires a better than average nose. Those chess club guys can't smell a dog turd stuck to the sole of their shoe on a hot summer's day. And even if they could, they'd write fan letters to the editor of the Times asking if they could scrape it off.

MARHEM  
That is an image I will now be unable to banish from my mind.

PIPES  
That's the idea.

MARHEM  
Did you have a warrant?

PIPES  
Roz asked me the same thing. I said I had a .38 Special and a love letter from Spades Slick, and she figured that was good enough. Didn't expect her to cave that easily, honestly.

MARHEM  
So you had no warrant.

PIPES  
No time to get one. You might think that'd get the evidence thrown out of court, but I could smell the stuff from the hallway. Plus she invited me in, for some reason I still don't understand.

MARHEM  
And what did you find?

PIPES  
We found a lot of things. Powdered sulfur, lead, mercury, other elements I didn't easily recognize. An unlabeled jug of methanol. Enough arsenic to kill a whole stable of horses. A wall covered in weird sigils drawn with charcoal. A jar of preserved squid tentacles in turpentine that my number two said looked a little too dead for comfort. A big white marble ball, like a cue ball used in pool but the size of someone's head. A beat-up cash box containing just under ten _thousand_ smackeroos, leading me to wonder what was in the safe we haven't opened yet. Also, six barrels of cheap Alicante, six barrels of fermenting apple juice, two kegs of unusually good brandy, another two kegs of what I still can't believe must have been a high-end _pumpkin_ liqueur, and a very complicated still that nobody from the Bureau knows how to operate.

MARHEM  
That sounds like a lot.

PIPES  
It involves paper cards with holes punched in 'em. No idea how that works. Had to make some phone calls and wake a few professors up. Apparently there used to be these things called Jacquard looms. For weaving. Crazy.

MARHEM  
I agree that it all sounds a bit strange.

PIPES  
So, is that everything? You tell me.

MARHEM  
I'm not sure if I should.

PIPES  
Well, I'm kind of hoping you will.

MARHEM  
It seems like the kind of thing I shouldn't discuss without a lawyer present.

PIPES  
You've still got that phone call. Of course, I've still got all the evidence in neatly labeled boxes downstairs, so I don't know how that'll help you.

MARHEM  
What do you actually want from me?

PIPES  
I'll come out and admit that I've got no idea what's going on here, but it's one hell of a bootlegging ring, at least. I want to know what your game is, how you're operating in the places we can't get to, who your contacts are, what path all the booze takes. That's my job: to clean up this city and make it less cozy for the mob. You give evidence that'll stand up in court, and you'll all probably only get a couple of years, at most.

MARHEM  
And if I don't?

PIPES  
Then I'll have to let you go, but based on the still alone, your girlfriends are probably looking at at least twenty each.

MARHEM  
I never said they were my girlfriends.

PIPES  
Didn't we already have that discussion?

MARHEM  
Not in such explicit terms, no.

PIPES  
Your squeezes. Your main dishes. Your hot tomatoes.

MARHEM  
Each and every one of those expressions was both demeaning and absurd.

PIPES  
Got a lot more where they came from. My buddy Jake is full of 'em.

MARHEM  
It's complicated with us. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

PIPES  
Try me.

MARHEM  
I don't want Roz to go to jail.

PIPES  
And what about Vaska?

MARHEM  
She can go straight to hell, and you can throw away the key.

PIPES  
Whoa. Rough.

MARHEM  
Very.

PIPES  
What's the attraction, then?

MARHEM  
It's not my attraction. Anymore. It's Roz's.

PIPES  
"Anymore"?

MARHEM  
I did say it was complicated.

PIPES  
We're talking about Vaska, though.

MARHEM  
I know.

PIPES  
So Vaska and Roz have a thing going?

MARHEM  
Unfortunately, yes.

PIPES  
Uh.

MARHEM  
You appear to be rather less than thrilled about this news as well.

PIPES  
And if that were the case, what's it to you?

MARHEM  
Is there no bargain we can make to put Vaska behind bars instead of Roz?

PIPES  
Rules are rules, Miss Marm. Same crimes, same time. I haven't figured you out yet, but this hater's tiff of yours with Vaska is very interesting.

MARHEM  
It seems vaguely improper for you to interest yourself overly much in any of my private affairs that don't touch directly on your jurisdiction.

PIPES  
All of this touches on my jurisdiction. Allllllll of it.

MARHEM  
Indeed, it sounds as if you know Vaska somewhat better than I realized at first.

PIPES  
We've got some history. Enough for me to know she can be a huge bitch sometimes.

MARHEM  
She is at once the most dazzling and the most vicious person I have ever met.

PIPES  
Me too, and that's saying something.

MARHEM  
Everything was going so well at first. Roz and I had been getting closer, her business was doing well, and I thought perhaps we might have a shot at a tidy and comfortable life together. Until Vaska showed up.

PIPES  
And when was that?

MARHEM  
A couple of years ago.

PIPES  
Wait, wait. Go back to the happy part. You were in love with Roz?

MARHEM  
I still am.

PIPES  
But she's not in love with you?

MARHEM  
She likes me well enough, but Vaska is very hard to say no to.

PIPES  
Were you aware at first of what Roz's business actually was?

MARHEM  
I thought it had mainly to do with astrology, tarot readings, and trade in occult-themed books, which seemed innocent to me, if a little silly. She also distilled her own special label of apple brandy, for some extra income, and for occasional home consumption.

PIPES  
Apple brandy? Fascinating.

MARHEM  
It's very good. You should try some if you get the chance.

PIPES  
And that didn't arouse your suspicions at all?

MARHEM  
No, this was before Prohibition. But after staying with her a few times I found it difficult to believe it was possible to pay the rent on such a large apartment in New York City with only the proceeds from these activities, even full-time. She said she had a rich uncle who helped maintain the place, and who visited her now and then.

PIPES  
You ever meet this uncle of hers?

MARHEM  
No, ma'am. I've seen neither hide nor hair of him the whole time I've lived with Roz. She's hardly mentioned him in any other context, either.

PIPES  
I'll make a note of that for later.

MARHEM  
Despite it all, I believed -- I wanted to believe -- that she was making an honest living. But when Prohibition passed, she refused to give up her still, no matter how I pleaded with her. Indeed, she told me she had been waiting for this to happen, and that it was an incredible opportunity for us to make our fortune.

PIPES  
Oh, wonderful.

MARHEM  
Then Vaska arrived on the scene, and everything started to fall apart.

PIPES  
Why? Suddenly Roz was all eyes for her and not for you?

MARHEM  
Much worse. I had met Vaska before, when I was younger and first starting to live on my own in the city. She had caught my eye, in her brash and unapologetic way, staying out all night as she did and not caring what others thought of her. The sense of freedom she inspired was intoxicating. I had worked up quite a crush before she dashed my hopes by taking up with a man.

PIPES  
Proof that she swings the other way, eh?

MARHEM  
She will happily "swing" both ways, as you put it. I don't. It's much more troublesome for people like myself to find meaningful connection in an environment like this. So the entire city was for Vaska an endless parade of distractions, while I waited patiently for her to come around. Do you know what I mean?

PIPES  
Yeah, I'm following still.

MARHEM  
I can't believe I'm telling you all this. I'm still surprised you have no intention of turning us in, or at least trying to save our souls.

PIPES  
Don't worry about it. You clearly need to get all this off your chest. I just want to hear what else happened that went so badly for you.

MARHEM  
What I didn't realize was that Vaska was heavily involved in bootlegging, and that this was just the kind of expertise Roz needed to expand her operations. Suddenly the two were nearly inseparable. I became insanely jealous.

PIPES  
Jealous for Roz, or for Vaska?

MARHEM  
Both, actually. Because Vaska would tease me in the cruelest ways, which I won't be drawn into describing here, and kept reawakening the irresistible pull I had once felt towards her in ways I now felt reluctant to act upon.

PIPES  
So sounds like that attraction isn't really a thing of the past.

MARHEM  
[sigh] I wish it was, and I often tell myself that in the hopes that it will become true.

PIPES  
Anyway, that's Vaska through and through. So how did Roz react?

MARHEM  
She didn't see the problem, and in her typical free-thinking manner wondered why we couldn't simply all live with each other under the same roof. I tried to explain both my affection for her and, with some pain and trepidation, my previous one-sided relationship with Vaska and my present dysfunctional one. She did her best to smooth things over, to be the adult in the room when Vaska would bait me and I would seethe with rage. Then the vacillation started.

PIPES  
Vacillation?

MARHEM  
I'm going to have a hard time describing this, because it's a very unusual and tumultuous situation. My relationship with Vaska has become, since the beginning of this affair, entirely defined by a sort of concupiscient enmity, indulged just often enough to be frustrating. But owing to the new entanglements between Roz and Vaska, and the existing entanglements between Roz and myself, periods of relaxed amorousness tend to be short-lived, and and alternate with bouts of spiteful one-upsmanship. In other words, Vaska and I... compete... for Roz's affections, and sometimes she finds herself competing for ours. Or acting as a sort of referee to prevent the competition from getting out of hand.

PIPES  
Good Lord, why don't you move out?

MARHEM  
What? Oh, no, I couldn't do that! Where else would I go? My mother is dead and I never knew my father!

PIPES  
You could... nah, I'm sorry, I got nothing. So do all three of you ever end up in bed together, or what?

MARHEM  
_Please_ tell me the answer to that question isn't related to your investigation!

PIPES  
You know what, you're right. Let's get back to the bootlegging.

MARHEM  
And this is the worst part of it! Because Vaska is the one managing the clandestine deliveries of brandy, Roz expects me to accompany Vaska on those dubious errands while she stays at home to receive clients and operate the still!

PIPES  
And do you?

MARHEM  
Of course I do! Roz would never talk to me again if anything happened to Vaska!

PIPES  
Or, I'm thinking, maybe you'd never talk to yourself again?

MARHEM  
Exactly! It's so INFURIATING! Why does Vaska have to be so IRRESPONSIBLE!

PIPES  
Wait, Miss Marm, what are you --

MARHEM  
Sometimes I get SO ANGRY I could JUST --

_The revving of an engine, followed by shouts and the splintering of wood, drown out any further speech. The recording is stopped eleven seconds into the noise, and resumes later._

PIPES  
2:03 am. Well, that sure was a thing that happened.

MARHEM  
I'm so sorry, ma'am. So sorry. Please don't --

PIPES  
It's fine, Miss Marm. Everything's fine. We can get another table. Glad I could snap you out of it.

MARHEM  
Sometimes I get carried away and lose myself entirely.

PIPES  
It's been a long day. A lot has happened. You've been under a lot of strain.

MARHEM  
If only this were all less dramatic. I'm not built for this much drama.

PIPES  
But that did clear up some other questions I had. We'll change procedures around here to make people check their cosmetics at the door.

MARHEM  
I don't actually want Vaska to go to jail either, if I'm honest with myself about it. But there is no question she deserves it. And as unpleasant as it sounds, it would keep her away from us, and out of trouble. Maybe she'd learn something, at last.

PIPES  
Pretty sure Roz deserves it too. A lot of this sounds like it's her idea.

MARHEM  
And what about me?

PIPES  
You're caught in the middle. You're definitely an accessory to bootlegging and responsible for at least one assault that I'm aware of. But it does seem that underneath this awful situation you want to be a decent, law-abiding citizen. If you're willing to help us out here, I'm sure that together we can get your life back on the right track.

MARHEM  
I hope you're not tragically mistaken.

PIPES  
I tell you what. You give me _everything_ you've got, don't skimp on me, and we'll see how bad everything really is.

MARHEM  
All right.

PIPES  
And it's got to be concrete. You've got a motive to stab Vaska in the back, and that could be used against your story.

MARHEM  
Well. Could you please stop the recording here, and take this down in some other medium?

PIPES  
Of course. Whatever makes you comfortable.

MARHEM  
Thank you. Thank you so much.


	3. Chapter 3

AGENT PIPES  
December 6, 1923. 2:49 am. State your name, please.

MADEMOISELLE LAVENDRE  
You can call me Roz.

PIPES  
Your full name. For the record.

LAVENDRE  
Rosalind Marie Lavendre.

PIPES  
Well, Miss Lavendre --

LAVENDRE  
Please, Tera. We have no need to stand on empty formalities here.

PIPES  
Excuse me, _Miss Lavendre_ \--

LAVENDRE  
If only for your own sake. I predict you'll be sick to death of it by the end of this conversation.

PIPES  
You make many predictions that come true, Miss Lavendre?

LAVENDRE  
It's my job.

PIPES  
I thought your job was making third-rate moonshine out of skunked wine bought at a markdown.

LAVENDRE  
That's only what you might call a side hustle, Tera --

PIPES  
_Agent Pipes._

LAVENDRE  
\-- although a very profitable one. And if you had tried it, you'd know that I hold that particular product to a very high standard.

PIPES  
I don't drink the evidence.

LAVENDRE  
And yet the Faygo never made it into the manifest, did it?

PIPES  
The what?

LAVENDRE  
The two cases of soda. A special order, shipped in from Detroit by way of our suppliers in Canton.

PIPES  
Oh yeah. That was among my top questions. Why was that box addressed to "Tera P. Pipes, c/o Roz Lavendre"?

LAVENDRE  
Because I got it for you, of course. I thought you might want to try it.

PIPES  
Apart from the question of whether this constitutes attempted bribery, for which the state will most certainly prosecute you, how the hell did you know I was coming for you _that far in advance?!_

LAVENDRE  
You weren't paying attention when I said that was my job.

PIPES  
I thought it was small talk. You got my attention now, Lavendre.

LAVENDRE  
You dropped that patronizing "Miss"! Congratulations. You've made excellent progress already.

PIPES  
Shut up.

LAVENDRE  
We have some way to go yet before you call me Roz, it seems.

PIPES  
Seems to me _you_ should be calling a lawyer at this rate.

LAVENDRE  
I suppose that would be the prudent thing to do in many situations. But in this particular instance I'm not that concerned, because the most likely outcome by far is that I won't need one.

PIPES  
Suit yourself.

LAVENDRE  
I always do.

PIPES  
Back to the matter at hand. Your side hustles.

LAVENDRE  
Certainly. I have quite a few of those, you know.

PIPES  
We pulled quite the array of paraphernalia out of your place tonight. Mysterious occult kind of stuff. I assume this is somehow related to your front business?

LAVENDRE  
After a fashion, yes.

PIPES  
Which is fortune-telling, guessing by your growing stable of somewhat uncanny prognostications.

LAVENDRE  
That's right.

PIPES  
I suppose you're going to keep trying to convince me that you really can see people's futures.

LAVENDRE  
Naturally, but I don't bother doing anything like that in my daily work. A simple cold read, perhaps augmented with a little extra real estate around my neckline, almost always suffices to convince my clientele of the value of my advice.

PIPES  
I'll bet it does.

LAVENDRE  
Would you like a free sample?

PIPES  
You know I won't be able to see it.

LAVENDRE  
I meant the advice, actually. But as for the trappings thereof, there are senses other than sight. Smell, for example. And touch.

PIPES  
I'll pass on your generous offer, thanks. I'd like to think I'm smarter than the men that darken your doorstep.

LAVENDRE  
Actually, my clientele consists predominantly of women.

PIPES  
Does it now.

LAVENDRE  
Especially, I might add, the wives of prominent public figures.

PIPES  
What kind of turnover do you get?

LAVENDRE  
I couldn't put a precise number to it, but it's quite substantial.

PIPES  
And the fees?

LAVENDRE  
Exorbitant, of course.

PIPES  
Does that explain the contents of your cashbox?

LAVENDRE  
Yes, but the information -- about the futures they fear in tarot readings, the hopes they pin on the positions of the planets, the questions they ask their dead relatives in seances, the advice they seek about the problems that keep their pompous husbands up at night -- is infinitely more valuable.

PIPES  
You're one smart bit of sass, Rosalind Lavendre. And dangerous too.

LAVENDRE  
Thank you.

PIPES  
Ever get any underworld molls through your door?

LAVENDRE  
Plenty. And bosses, too. They pay exceptionally well.

PIPES  
And yet, all this is still a front.

LAVENDRE  
For which venture? Do you mean the speakeasy?

PIPES  
You run a speakeasy as well?

LAVENDRE  
The best products of our distillery are sold in-house. You can't get them anywhere else in town. We may occasionally sell some of our trial batches for new products to other establishments, for some word-of-mouth publicity, but they're never as good as what you can get direct from us. Despite this, they still fetch what you might colloquially call a "king's ransom".

PIPES  
You make stuff that good from the barrels of sour grape juice we picked up from your place?

LAVENDRE  
Skill is everything in this game, Tera. But, no.

PIPES  
The apple juice, then?

LAVENDRE  
Our process manipulates the fundamental constituents of matter to align their energies for maximum effect. Apples, as it turns out, are among the simplest and most elemental objects in the universe, impossible to reproduce or artificially synthesize through any means known to science or to esoteric wisdom. Only pumpkins hold a comparable status. The extracts of these two ingredients become the substrates upon which our magic is worked.

PIPES  
Magic? Do you mean that literally? 

LAVENDRE  
Yes.

PIPES  
Magic is fake as shit.

LAVENDRE  
Magic is real. I've been using it.

PIPES  
You've got to be kidding me.

LAVENDRE  
Use whatever word you want to describe it. I have a magic still, which is very powerful and allows me to be magic.

PIPES  
If that's really true, its potential is being utterly wasted.

LAVENDRE  
I disagree. More accurate to say it's being tasted.

PIPES  
So, we got distilling alcohol above the Volstead Act limits, selling that alcohol, and possibly defrauding, bribing, and/or blackmailing government officials. And tampering with dark forces better left alone, although that last one isn't technically a crime because nobody actually believes in dark forces enough to legislate about them. Your operation runs deep, and you sound like the brains of it.

LAVENDRE  
More or less, although I couldn't pull any of it off without my associates.

PIPES  
On that note, I had a little chat with your friend Miss Marm.

LAVENDRE  
Oh, have you? Kanyan's a sweet girl and a fine conversationalist.

PIPES  
You two got a thing going?

LAVENDRE  
We stand next to each other under trees sometimes, if you know what I mean.

PIPES  
She thinks the world of you, Roz. Begging me not to send you to jail. She sang like a canary, and we've got a tidy plea deal sorted out.

LAVENDRE  
I expected no less. What did she have to say?

PIPES  
She tells me not only that Vaska is bootlegging your substandard product all over the city, but that the Felt is paying your operation to contaminate most of your own competitors' products.

LAVENDRE  
Contaminate?

PIPES  
Let's say "poison". Methanol and arsenic aren't contaminants as such.

LAVENDRE  
Methanol's very easy to produce in home distilling, though, if you're impatient or don't watch the temperature of your still.

PIPES  
Exactly.

LAVENDRE  
And, I might point out, your own Bureau is also responsible for "contaminating" a fair bit of alcohol that the rest of us then have to painstakingly renature.

PIPES  
Also a fair point.

LAVENDRE  
So methanol poisoning, if you don't know what you're doing, can in all honesty be called an occupational hazard of home distilling.

PIPES  
Which is the perfect alibi, isn't it?

LAVENDRE  
It is indeed.

PIPES  
Then what do you need the arsenic for?

LAVENDRE  
To go the extra mile. A thoughtful touch for certain special occasions.

PIPES  
That may be the most ice-cold thing I have ever heard anyone say.

LAVENDRE  
It's just good business. I have a head for business.

PIPES  
Unlike, for example, Spades Slick?

LAVENDRE  
For example.

PIPES  
Kanyan's telling me the poisonings are concentrated on Midnight Crew turf. So this is adding insult to injury for Slick. He wants you dead, yeah?

LAVENDRE  
Oh, does he ever.

PIPES  
Is this an independent arrangement? Or are you taking orders from someone higher up in the Felt?

LAVENDRE  
I wouldn't say orders. We're not an extension of the Felt. I would call it more of an ongoing exchange of reciprocal obligations. But the exchange started because my uncle is consigliere for the Felt's boss, and was able to pull the door open just far enough for us to get our collective feet in.

PIPES  
Oh, this is just perfect. You can lead us right to the top.

LAVENDRE  
You might think that's what's about to happen, but you'd be wrong.

PIPES  
How? Roz, I've added at least four hundred and thirteen years to your sentence just based on what you've told me in the last ten minutes. Your best shot at not rotting away in federal prison is to cooperate.

LAVENDRE  
That assumes the success of the prosecution I seem to be having trouble dissuading you from.

PIPES  
I've got all this on tape, Roz. Your own confession, in your own voice.

LAVENDRE  
Oh, I'm well aware.

PIPES  
There's no way even a stacked jury could fail to convict you.

LAVENDRE  
That's where you're wrong. In fact, this case is unlikely ever to go to trial in the first place.

PIPES  
It won't?

LAVENDRE  
I suppose it's theoretically possible. But the most likely outcome is that at the end of this conversation, you will quit your job and join our operation.

PIPES  
I... That's... How do you figure?

LAVENDRE  
Haven't you noticed? You're calling me Roz at last.

PIPES  
Oh, for crying out loud.

LAVENDRE  
You've done it three times in a row now.

PIPES  
Hold on one goddamn second.

_The recording is stopped here, presumably to be rewound and replayed. Recording resumes after a three-second pause._

PIPES  
3:03 am. What a piece of work you are, Roz fucking Lavendre.

LAVENDRE  
"How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!" 

PIPES  
Shut up, that's not what I meant.

LAVENDRE  
"In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god!" 

PIPES  
Christ, I need some coffee.

LAVENDRE  
Make it two, please. I take mine black.

PIPES  
What in blazes does Kanyan see in you? Or Vaska?

LAVENDRE  
You're finally starting to ask better questions, Tera.

PIPES  
As you said, Kanyan's a sweet girl, maybe not all there, but there's no way she deserves any of this. Vaska's kind of messed up and mostly just doesn't care enough to use the good sense I know she has. But they are both absolutely willing to go to prison for years so you don't have to.

LAVENDRE  
And I for them! If I actually needed to. They're both dear to me, and both have been playing their part in this particular caper with choreographed precision. Vaska steals the spotlight with her antics and keeps suspicion far away from us, but has the incredible luck and street smarts to not get caught... most of the time. And Kanyan is the protector and voice of caution that keeps us both from giving in to our worst impulses... most of the time.

PIPES  
Kanyan is your gang's _muscle?!_ Really?!

LAVENDRE  
Ironically, yes.

PIPES  
If these are your good impulses, I'd hate to see your worst ones.

LAVENDRE  
To answer your excellent question, it's not what they see in me. Rather, it's what I See in them.

PIPES  
What?

LAVENDRE  
Let's get to the heart of it. I can't see the future, as such. But I can see sideways, into other worlds. The veil is thinner than it seems.

PIPES  
Oh, more Spiritualist mumbo-jumbo.

LAVENDRE  
My personal beliefs are closer to Madame Blavatsky's Theosophy, actually. The human race started in a state of grace and innocence, and has been declining for hundreds of thousands of years. Those Spiritualists would have it that our souls continue to evolve after death, but in reality the spirit world is a place of stagnation and ennui, and our consciousness degrades further each time we are reborn. Only through living through countless lives of depravity and alienation can we purify ourselves and come to know truth.

PIPES  
That sure sounds like a whole lot of stuff you just said there.

LAVENDRE  
The important point here is that there is little practical distinction between reincarnation in this world, and in some other world. Each life is a narrative we tell ourselves about ourselves, to make the senseless batterings of external afflictions seem more coherent. For reasons I've never fully understood myself, I have since childhood had piercing and sometimes painful insights into the alternative pathways I and anyone I meet could have trod. As such, I have unique understanding regarding what paths others are likely to tread, at least in the aggregate. That understanding is the basis on which I make my predictions, which turn out to be right much more often than not.

PIPES  
And what happens if they're not? Or if you can't tell?

LAVENDRE  
Sometimes I consult my uncle. I've never known him to be wrong, but his insights come at a price.

PIPES  
I'd ask what his hourly rate is, but I don't actually want to know.

LAVENDRE  
For example, you might be interested to know that there are very few universes in which Kanyan and myself are not romantically involved. The worlds in which I have formed some lasting attachment with Vaska are much less plentiful than the worlds in which you have done so, but they exist.

PIPES  
I don't think I really wanted or needed to know that, either.

LAVENDRE  
Odds are you secretly did.

PIPES  
What are you, some kind of romance detective?

LAVENDRE  
I know a guy who does that, if you want a referral. A Lithuanian named Vantas.

PIPES  
I'll pass. Again.

LAVENDRE  
You have a similar kind of insight as well, though you may not realize it. It's what has gotten you this far.

PIPES  
I don't play the odds. I make my own luck, and I'm about to prove that.

LAVENDRE  
Famous last words. But the sentiment is much like what I meant.

PIPES  
And on that note, what's to stop me from ending our interview this minute and walking out the door with your confession under my arm?

LAVENDRE  
There's no real external impediment to such an action. But I know you. It turns out that your inability to express genuine emotions has alienated everybody who was dear to you. So, let's talk romance.

PIPES  
Jumping Jesus on a jackhammer, can't you let up for three lousy seconds?!

LAVENDRE  
Your feelings for Vaska are unfathomable to me, but they are powerful, and as close to a constant of nature as I've ever Seen. You won't let her slip through your fingers again so easily. And you've become fond of Kanyan, even in this short time, and want to do anything you can to help her. Finally, although you don't want to admit it, you've had fun sparring with me so far and want to see how much of my admittedly incredible story is really true.

PIPES  
Awfully flimsy reasoning, if you ask me.

LAVENDRE  
In time, perhaps you'll become more deeply interested in me as well. It's a frequent enough occurrence.

PIPES  
Haha, right, in how many universes do _all four of us_ shack up.

LAVENDRE  
It's certainly not impossible. I know of no fewer than thirty-two such universes at present.

PIPES  
That's an uncomfortably specific number.

LAVENDRE  
We could make it thirty-three!

PIPES  
Don't get ahead of yourself.

LAVENDRE  
It would make a lot of sense. A table needs a minimum of three legs to stand, but it's still customary to have four. And animals need four legs to run. Vaska's the loose cannon in this relationship, and you'd be the sharp restraint she needs. That would take some of the strain off of Kanyan, poor thing, and she'd flourish for it.

PIPES  
Yeah, that's right. Drop my whole career and run away with you disaster lesbians.

LAVENDRE  
Sometimes, it's the only sensible option.

PIPES  
Don't you think you want to run the proposal by your actual girlfriends first? 

LAVENDRE  
Oh, they'd have you in a heartbeat. For example, Vaska complains about you all the time, even now, which means she's obsessed with you.

PIPES  
Also, how exactly do you think you're going to escape? Have you seen the security we have out front of this place?

LAVENDRE  
I'm not so careless as to tip my entire hand, but I want you to know it's possible. For now, I'll tell you that I have a sister, well-placed in city government, whose specialty is making things disappear. Safely.

PIPES  
Oh, that's not ominous in the slightest. Really confidence-inspiring there.

LAVENDRE  
The fact that you're even trying to talk me out of it, and feel the need to justify your resistance to me, means you're considering it seriously, which pleases me greatly. To say nothing of the potential return on investment with respect to your knowledge of the Bureau's inner workings.

PIPES  
You're delusional if you think I'm even vaguely interested in using my law enforcement expertise and contacts for shallow personal gain.

LAVENDRE  
Don't be so narrow-minded. You're standing on the deck of a sinking ship. Prohibition was a terrible mistake and it's bound to be repealed within the next ten years at the outside. It's like trying to chain the tide. You're frustrated and tired and outnumbered, and wish you were having a real impact. That's why you're pursuing this case so hard.

PIPES  
Give it up, Roz. I am making an impact. This case will make an impact.

LAVENDRE  
What will you have left after the law gets struck down? When the just and the unjust switch places? What will you have spent so many years of your life accomplishing? Doesn't it all seem terribly arbitrary to you?

PIPES  
Go suck an egg.

LAVENDRE  
If the ship is going to go down, though, you might as well grab yourself a lifeboat. As well as any valuables that would otherwise sink to the bottom of the ocean.

PIPES  
That is not even a vaguely accurate metaphor for a violent crime ring.

LAVENDRE  
Violence isn't my style, Tera. It's a blunt instrument. Anyway, we both know something needs to give, and I can honestly say we'll look after you better than your current employers. What do you say?

PIPES  
Did you even plan for the possibility that I might take you down after all?

LAVENDRE  
Let's just say I don't intend to leave things as important as this to chance, either. You're a prize worth fighting for with every tool at my disposal.

PIPES  
What are you going to do, blackmail me?

LAVENDRE  
Actually, that's an interesting idea. You're nearly compromised already. Did you know there are universes where you killed Vaska in cold blood, and where your substance abuse habits are quite out of control?

PIPES  
I have no idea what you're talking about.

LAVENDRE  
Interestingly, there are few universes where you haven't lost your sight somehow due to something that ended up being Vaska's fault. But methanol poisoning among your alternate selves is very rare.

PIPES  
There's no possible way you could know that.

LAVENDRE  
Do you want me to go on?

PIPES  
...

LAVENDRE  
For example, in an alarmingly large number of universes, two months after you first join the Bureau, you --

_The recording reaches the end of the reel here. The wire was found left on the reel, undisturbed; no further reels seem to have been loaded. Agent Pipes's badge and firearm were found left on the table, with no further explanation of her whereabouts or the reasons for her resignation. Sekret, Marhem, Lavendre, and Agent Pipes were listed as missing and have not been seen or heard from in the past two weeks._

_ARCHIVIST'S NOTE: If this story has anything to do with the famous Lavendre & Co. distillery in Montreal (established 1924), makers of the LSMP brandy label and the Irreducible line of fruit-flavored liqueurs, it would be sensational publicity for them._


End file.
